Mortal combat it is! I feel you girl! It's funny too, because today my thought was it's time to get

Hey! I recognize you...hmmm...oh yeah, you stare back at me every morning from my mirror. Welcome to the human race. This is where you learn to love yourself...just the way you are.

i feel like a darn broken record.....but these posts are rockin'!

Things usually aren't as scary as you think they are....ehhhh?

You're right, Kristen!  I'm seeing that.  I really am!

Ahhh...can you just see the hope springing from this thread? From where you were to where you are? Lovin' it!

Been thinkin' about the unforgiving piece a lot lately. Thinking of all the times I've been forgiven and the many times I've been unforgiving. 

Lissy - This is the most beautiful thing you have ever written...in my estimation. So thoughtful and clear. Full of gratitude and self acceptance.

I believe we are here to heal and be healed, to forgive and be forgiven. You have given us all so much. I'm glad to see you're taking what you need.

So much love,

Sher

 

agree with sher....beautiful post.

complicated topic in my head.
i totally agree......we gotta forgive...........
and it is healing and transformational.......

i guess tho i'm thinking that we can forgive someone and move away from them too
and sometimes that's so necessary.

i find the topic really confusing.
i grew up with the 'forgive everyone' kinda thinking (well, for me, the girl)
and it seemed to be kinda like a door mat thing that i was taught.

i know darn well that's not what you're talkin' about ms. sunflower....
i'm just sayin' where all the threads go and tie me up with this topic.......

glad you brought it up. i needed some good food for thought!

oh! and your comments are making me think of 'women who run with the wolves'....
she has the BEST description of forgiveness i've ever read. i'm gonna go look that up tonite!
thanks, girl......

I can dig it :-)

Terri,

oh! good deal, laurel! truly, that's the most helpful thing i've ever read on the subject.

Hello Catharine here....The chapter on forgiveness, that whole section of her book is my favorite too.  By rereading it at least 10 times and carrying a photocopy around with me for 6 months, I was able to understand other threads common to her book.

i just pulled this book down to make a copy of a couple of pages for a friend. every time i open it i get hooked. gonna start reading it from cover to cover all over again...and this isn't the first time i've decided to do that!!!  :)

i just read a few pages last nite. started at the very beginning. decided at least a few pages a day....gosh i love how she writes!!!

You have all convinced me. I'm downloading the Women Who Run With Wolves as we speak. That's right Ter, I'm stepping away from the Fabrics, but just for a minute...

Actually, to hear you all talk so highly of it.... I'm thinking I'll keep the Fabrics clutched tightly in one hand while I listen, cuz I'm thinking that I'll be using my "Dancing Shoes bible" as a sort of safe harbor in case this run gets scary.

See, I'm needing to do some serious forgiveness work.....been needing to for a while but I'm also needing some serious direction/ideas as to how to go about it.... just to get started, just to walk with the thought of it....

I don't know how to start even touching.... not even looking at it through the cracks in my fingers.... this notion, this possibility that I can maybe open my heart and let go of even the wrapper on this hard pill to swallow.... this idea that there might be some redemption, some flavor of understanding enough to say "Can we talk? Can you help find me find a convincing reason to forgive you?" ..... and how do you do that with the people that you need to forgive who aren't even of this earth any more?  How do you start the conversations with the people who are not only still alive, but who still live in your community?

I'm thinking that maybe a good place to start would be by having those conversations with myself. Maybe I need to do some forgiving of myself for carrying around such contempt for so many years. Maybe that's where I need to start. Walk..... Breathe.....breathe deeper, drop my arms, open my hands and really make the decision to be open to forgiveness..... to receive it and to give it. Maybe I will try walking with the wolves, until I get my running legs under me. Maybe then I can run freely with out the weightedness of hate and contempt. I best see what Dr. estes has to say, cuz I've got some work to do and I don't have all day to do it.

Terri,  Will you be around to help me up if I start to fall on this run because I will have zero support on this venture? I will just have a bunch of folks scratching their heads and thinking that I have finally and completely lost my mind ....and they might be right, but they don't know my motivation but I really think that it's the right thing to do. It won't be a regret if it doesn't get done, but I think I'd sure feel better if it does.

Any thoughts/suggestions/experiences/direction?  

i'll totally be around, susie. totally. 

2 things

first, forgiveness is the big ONE, because it's about Love. The unconditional stuff.

The stuff that makes me want to pull every last hair on my head out!

because dang it, it's easier to sit in judgment then to fine the highest view and see it from above. As above, so below. 

sigh

and 2cnd, I was thinking about the fight with mum, and I allow her to much power. I keep going to her , knowing that she can't get past her own childhood program, and expecting her NOT to hurt me when it's all she knows how to do to protect herself.

Sheesh.

I can't change the way she loves me ter, I can't make her love me the way I need her to. But

I can want her to.

right?

sigh......

oy vey!

and I apologize now, if my trigger gets hit ( miss rose, you know what horse I am talking about)

Susie,

Man you guys are so wonderful. I just have to say that I feel like I've missed out on soooo much, not knowing that there was a place like this to ask questions, be heard, listen, learn, hopefully give some support and advice, get support and advice ....and to not have to sugar coat the bad tasting stuff. I have been told more than a few times that the holes in my filter might be a bit too large. That some of the lumps that maybe don't need to come through, find their way out.... and some people could possibly choke on one of lumps. I honestly don't mind hearing that when/if that's the case, so would you guys be sure to let me know, in no uncertain way, if I get out of hand? I like to tell as I see it, but I don't want to offend anyone either....so please if you could that would be good.

So... I sat with clarissa into the wee hours last night. I listened  and pondered and I think I learned some good stuff. I think that I also learned this...and I'm hearing from you all too. This forgiveness business, it sounds like a ton of work thats gonna take a ton of time. I really don't think the work is gonna be a problem. I see this as something I must do....for me, not even a tiny bit for them. Do I need to change my thinking on that right out of the gate? Can I do this just for me and not for them or is that kind of a prerequisite to the work? Can I work on healing me towards forgiveness, if I'm looking at it from a selfish stance that holds no benefit for them? Is it really even forgiving if I were to hold on to that belief that they don't deserve, but I do? I don't know but I'm thinking I better figure that piece out before I get too far in to it and find out that I've accomplished nothing but possibly more resentment? How do you come to decide if the other, the perpetrator of your hurt, is worthy of hearing your story, hearing your healing or even being an observer or knower of the process? Cuz I don't personally think that they've earned that. They've done nothing to reconcile their responsibility and i don't think that I should do it for them. Is that totally wrong of me?

The other question/thought that I have is this. And this is going to sound completely ridiculous.....So, it's gonna take some time.....maybe years? Are there any short cuts that a person in hurry can take to make this journey timely? Probably not, huh? Is this maybe one of those things that's best not begun if there's a possibility that it might not get finished? I'm thinking that any effort is better than none. But I'm also thinking that this process is going to take some deep digging, some of that heavy equipment excavation kind of digging, digging big old holes to haul away the garbage that is buried there in order to rebuild, to go back and fill in with freshness, with some of those new Sacred moments fillingsin order to build new big old wholes.

I'm very much not a perfectionist, but if I'm gonna put myself out there, peel away the security and invest with no guaranteed returns.... well I'm the type of person that wants to do it right the first time, so that I don't have to go back and fix it or start all over the right way. So I guess these are just my issues and maybe/probably, it's different for everybody.... but if a person doesn't have the time and resources to do it right, do they have any business being in business? These issues are what's causing some hesitation for me. I truly believe that everyone needs to make peace with their stories, to be able to share their stories with those who have earned the right to hear them and that this is what lends to being a whole-hearted person, but I'm struggling with the notion that this kind of investment is going to be heartbreaking before it can be heart healing and do I want to compromise my now moments by being in the same chair with the pain and loss  feelings that are going to be inevitable?  Thank you all for your support and encouragement, you guys really do rock.     Thank you ter ... I feel really good about being able to help each other.

And Terri, I'm just asking, but can you really ever sincerely forgive someone who continues to perpetrate hurt and discontent. Or would you in some way be enabling their hurtfulness. Does forgiveness really mean anything if you have to keep doing it over and over. I can totally see where that would be fine  in some cases, but I don't know

oh man, thoughts all over in my head right now! and i'm just running thru!

Susie~

Forgiveness means everything, if it's YOU that your forgiving 

over and over again...

I was thinking about this forgiveness stuff on my drive home from work tonight.

Maybe what's more important... right here in this moment... for me... maybe what's really driving this need, urgent or not....is that maybe I need to take a look at where I need some forgiveness.

My parents raised me to live according to the karmic notion that we are where we are, in the situations that we're in, because we've asked for that to be (although they put a bit of a punishment slant to it all....like anything we are struggling with in our lives is because of something bad we've done in the past/ past lives or whatever.... and I don't necessarily agree)....

but, that being said - I've always tried to live by paying it forward, positioning myself for goodness, and all that.... so as  to not "be punished" with struggles, so there aren't many instances that stand out for me where I can say that I need any forgiveness from anybody in particular..... but, on the other hand.... I've treated myself pretty crappy in so many ways over the years. I have abused myself far worse than anyone else ever has.... by using heroin and cocaine and anything else I could get my hands on for many many years, by putting myself in very dangerous situations with no regard for my life or my body or people who cared about me.... and I'm sure that in those dark days, I probably did some damage to others hearts and souls and to my own.  So, I guess my point is, is that maybe I need to look at first, forgiving myself and in doing that, maybe getting some clarity about where I need to start making some amends and seeking forgiveness from others. Then, I think, it will be clearer to put the forgiving others in perspective....Maybe I'll decide that those others shouldn't be a priority. Maybe i should be.

So, I hear what you are saying, Terri and May May and i very much appreciate the perspective. I think that this is gonna be where I start.

I did the best I could with what I had....

I did the best I could for me, for people I cared about and for people I didn't even know...

I have made tons of mistakes in this lifetime, but I believe that in making poor decisions...

that is how I've learned and grown and I have learned soooo much

I have done the best I can with each lesson I've been given and I am more insightful, compassionate, patient, understanding, nonjudgmental, open and empathic for it.

And I'm gonna make one of those lists of people that I may have hurt over the years...like earl did and I'm gonna draw deep on my courage and humility...and I'm gonna have a conversation with each and everyone of them and let them know that I am sorry and that I am a good person and have learned immensely how to strive to do things better....

And I will keep doing this....over and over again until it feels like I'm done and I feel as full as any person can feel.

I love the ways you guys bring me some focus and direction.   Now if I could just learn to keep it a little shorter.... and to the point, huh?

and I'll start here.... Terri, I hope I didn't say something on here that I shouldn't have, but I think I did.... I am sorry if I put anything out here that I didn't have sense enough to know was private. That was completely thoughtless of me....I think it might havesomething to do with that filter thing I mentioned before....I'm going to be more aware and considerate. Can you forgive me?

ohmygosh, susie....YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! absolutely nothing wrong.....i meant to write you later, and just got scattered. nope. nope. nope.

Thats the beauty of it really.....if you don't miss the misunderstanding moment, if you can talk about it....well then it's an understanding thing instead.  And so, now we understand each other and that's always a good thing.

i keep trying to leave little smiley faces and i leave these little laughing devils everywhere by

So where do I start? It's only been a few days since I wrote that I was gonna start working on figuring out all the pieces of the forgiving that I am gonna do for myself.....  and making the list of people that I may need to have conversations with around the hurts that I had surely inflicted on them.... those past few days have been really busy, productive....enlightening. Enlightening is what it has been...and I've gotta say that I'm really liking this enlightenment stuff.

It is all so amazing and comforting..... and scary and risky and has kinda left me feeling like all of my vulnerabilities, all of my not enoughs and all of my too muchs have been hung out at the end of a firing range for every trigger happy cowboy West of the Mississippi to come take target practice at.....

It has also opened the door for lots of other stuff too.... Even more than it has presented a forum for anyone with a whim for it to come get their shots in...That same forum has offered an opportunity for me to learn from some people and to gain acknowledgement from others....

So here's what I did and what I'm continuing to do.....and will continue to do for as long as I'm breathing.

I sat with Clarissa again. I listened as hard and deep as I could muster....

And I pulled out   Life is a Verb  and I started rereading some random chapters on 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally, cuz it has been a year or two since I had read Patti Digh.....and when I had read it before, it was more of a "feel good" read... as if I or anybody who I am close too and is still alive would ever have to worry about only really having only 37 days to live....right!! Not in this lifetime!!!........Exactly........And I reminded myself that life never comes with any guarantees. I knew that already, but when it's not right smack in your face; well I think you tend to forget. And I reminded myself that these lives we have created are all made up of moments and that all any of us ever have really are these moments......these right here, right now moments. .And so, I remembered and I sat with so many rememberings that I should have always kept in my back pocket, but didn't....

and I thought about the things that I do have control over and how I can be real intentional with those things,,,,,and I thought about the things that I don't have any control over and realized that the best,,,the strongest of intentions aren't going to be able to shift those things around at all. And I thought about how none of us really have any say in when these lives of ours will be over...how any one of us, when we went to bed tonight could just be gone tomorrow, for a million different reasons of which neither you nor I have a single iota of control over.... So this intentional business, maybe we should all be taking real good notes on that.....because of "what ifs".... and "then whats".....what would all of that look like for those left behind? ( I just noticed that I still can not bring myself to say or write the D word) I have got to get over that little insecurity thing....) and here goes......What if you or I Died tomorrow? (Whew. I wrote it!) Could we sit ok with the intentions that we had lived with the day before and the day before that?

So here's the next thing I did.....I put it out there to everybody I could and asked them to put it out there to everybody I couldn't.....I wrote letters, I made phone calls, I posted on FB and I went and saw people. I made myself be seen and heard as big and loud as I know how.

And it went something like this....."I'm makin this "Earl " list and I need your help with it.... in case I have forgotten over the years and I need to be reminded..... if I have ever done anything intentionally hurtful to you in the past 52 years please fill me in so that I can make amends and make things right". And what I didn't realize, right in that moment was that I was being totally  serious with a bunch of goof butts....What did I expect would come from that? How did I forget that most of these people don't know how to be serious? So what I got was a butt load of goofiness and reminders about things that I probably totally did .... WHEN I WAS TOO WACKED OUT oF MY MIND TO KNOW ANY BETTER ...or care!! But none of it was hurtful, it was goofy. And most of it was Sacred....most of it was craziness /happenings from our annual Estrogen Fest when we are all given permission to act however and do whatever we want for a week every year. Besides the fact that this stuff is stuff that has been sworn to secrecy by every attendee/every year and has now been gifted back to me as this reminder that I had specifically asked for....NOT..Now it's all getting put out there on FB!!!! And it is SACRED!!  (I think that it has mostly been removed, but if not....it's a good read). What else could I have expected from the only kinda people who ever wanted to hang out with me? Pure goofiness.... innocent and pure goofiness.

So short story long.....I haven't had any serious takers yet on the whole making amends thing, maybe folks are still out of town and haven't gotten their mail yet or been maybe they haven't been on FB for a while.....don't know, but it's my story so I'm gonna tell it like this.....I just have never intentionally done something hurtful enough to somebody that caused them to have any  lingering memory of it. Or more likely.....if I ever did, they didn't have their faculties all in a nice clean mental status that would have allowed them to have remembered either. So.... so far, I'm good to go with that piece.   There's lots more pieces coming too though, but not today.

Like the piece where I've decided to put myself waaayyyy out there and do some of the cool activities referred to in the 37 days scenarios. There's a bunch of them that I've done before, but those befores always involved a certain amount of planning and doing with others. I'm changing it up this time around and doing it spontaneously and some of it by myself.....because I know I can.

For instance, Christmas eve and Christmas day were spent handing out hugs to strangers and being as kind, unintentioned, fun and gentle with myself as I can. But that's on a different post. And it was wonderful. And the next project will be too.

An update on Forgiveness.....A slow, unending lifetime project....

Forgiving others:   I knew this would be difficult when I started, but I had no inclination as to just how hard it was gonna be....I'm learning and relearning this reality every day.....and I'm still only working on me. The folks that I initially longed to forgive.... they are definitely not a priority at this point. My forgiving of them continues to be very important to me and if at all possible; I will get to them eventually...one way or another. I'm kind of starting to think that thier forgiveness may be something that can be done in the next life time if needed, cuz I know I'll definitely be back for more lessons and learning. And I realize now that forgiving of others has no meaning or value until you have learned to completely love the skin you're living in.....until you can sit with every bit of your own misgivings and embrace them forgivingly. I always talked a big talk to others about just how right I am with myself....not so much...when I really did some deep soul searching, when I cleared my mind of the pretentions and false walls....my self disagreed and found plenty of instances  where I continue to carry a chip on my shoulder for my own shortcomings. So, I'm working on getting real with that....

Frgiveness from others:   I had put it out there to everyone I could that I was in the forgiving mode and searching for anyone that I had wronged or hurt, so that I could make amends and do it right.  I honestly couldn't think of any specific incidents from my past that placed me in a position where I had intentionally caused pain in any way in another human being.....cuz I'm so perfect like that.....wrong again. And although I've only had a very few responses, I'm sure that there are many more people who could truly say that I hurt them.....intentionally on my part? not usually I think, but I've been wrong before and I'm certain that if they could find a way to refresh my memory, I'll find that I've been wrong all over the board. But here's what I have so far......

When I was in jr. high school some friends and I were mad at (likely more jealous of) a girl who was head cheerleader. She seemed phony and spoiled...she had the best of everything always.....the newest and the best. So one afternoon, we took her cheerleader uniform and her underwear out of her gym locker and I took them out to the roof of the gymnasium where there was a flag pole attached. I tied the underwear to the end of the sleeve of the uniform and hung them out in the wind on the flag pole. And I did it just before a football game, so not only would Gayle not have her uniform to wear for the game....everyone would know that she didn't have her uniform and everyone would know that it was Gayle's uniform and underwear hanging from the flag pole. It was all very intentional and it hurt her badly. She cried terribly...and as she cried, we laughed....increasing the pain and embarassment she felt. The remembering of that I think has always stayed with me on some level.....the guilt and remorse I felt way after the fact, stuck way more than the remembering of the actions. I had tucked it away though because it made my life easier to live.....it made my skin easier to live in.

So Gayle, I am genuinely and deeply sorry..... thank you again for bringing this back to my center and accepting my deepest apologies for such a careless and immature experience. And you're right.... I checked with my mom....she did have to sew you a new uniform because the wind had torn yours....  Thank you for understanding something that isn't really understandable and for accepting my apology. (in talking with Gayle, I also found out that....yeah, she had all the cool stuff that every kid wanted, but she was given those "things" to make up for the fact that her parents were always drunk at the bars and never home to parent their little girl.... Wow, we can be so cruel when we don't have all of the information.) 

So, Mom,  again I apologize to you for placing you in a situation where you experienced embarassment and hurt too....Thank you for covering my butt when I wasn't a big enough human being to do it myself....You covered my butt a lot, didn't you? Thank you for accepting my apology. I'm kinda wondering though.....if you'd have made me sew a new uniform for Gayle, it might not have been pretty like yours...but I bet it would have imprinted this brain a bit more clearly.

Colleen,  I know it wasn't intentional.....but I know too that it hurt you....and I know that I've said it before, but....I am so sorry that you feel that I took away long standing, family kind of relationships from you when I let go of my friendships that were not healthy for me. I know that you are still working on forgiving me for that, but I hope that one day you will realize that I had to do it for me and my health and sanity.....and that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, even if it means it might hurt others.....that you can hold some people in your heart, but you just can't hold them in your life.  I'm sorry that has been a hurtful lesson for you and I hope that someday you will be able to feel the forgiveness instead of just saying the words. 

There are more people who responded and I'll get to them another time....

But the forgiving myself project.....damn that one is hard and the process is hurtful, but necessary. It's a whole nother post.....let's just say that I have found myself on my knees and on the floor many times in the past two weeks....sobbing for the self forgiveness that I need and deserve. We do so many hurtful things to our own precious selves....and I still do them daily. This one is gonna take some time and understanding and tons of remembering why.....this one is the most important thing that I will ever do for myself and I really, really want to get it right.... So I'm gonna be busy with this.....processing all the reasons that I thought/think that I deserve less than complete acceptance and forgiveness. I will still have days when I throw fits with and at myself and my situations in life....so please be patient and kind with me. I'll just ask in retrospect and in advance....Can you guys forgive me if I go off on a tangent and say anything hurtful to you or to myself?

susie.....dont' worry about us forgiving you. don't even worry about that.

A good portion of the grief work that I've been doing in therapy involves "Tapping" and so there are a couple of you that I have recruited for my tapping team. I just want you both to know that your being there for support and encouragement (and reality checks) has felt like....well what it must feel like to have a couple of guardian angels with you....holding you up and helping you breathe.

I've asked myself....."Self. What's that say about your state of affairs when you have chosen two people you've never even met to hear the darkest depths of your soul and to accept you and help you reconcile all of that?" I've answered myself differently on different days.....sometimes I kick myself for dismissing all of my lifelong friends that I would have normally used on my team, had I had a team prior to a month or two ago. But mostly... I answer my self that I have chosen people who I can trust, people who have earned the privilege of hearing all of my stories and people who aren't going to expect me to be anyone except who I am. 

Friday, in therapy, we went back to a place where I could recreate the day of the accident and I could create a way to prevent the accident. The only thing I could think to do was to put all of those kids in my pocket and close my pocket up, so they couldn't get in their car and leave the park where they had spent the day. So...that's what I did. I put them in my pocket; but they all fussed around and got my pocket opened, so I helped them open it enough to see them in there. Just as my pocket flap lifted a tiny bit, all of these beautiful butterflies came flying out of my pocket and off they went.....flying and giggling. All of them.

There really wasn't anything I could do to protect them from something bigger than all of us....

there really wasn't.

That one is a hard one to hold Ter...... My head can tell me that this was way out of my control; that bad things happen to good people for no reason other than life, but my heart keeps me holding to the notion that all of these "what ifs" need to be considered. So, I consider each one....realize in the end that it wouldn't have changed anything....and then I move on to a "if only". You know.... do you think that we just have this magical thinking that doesn't always sit well with reality? I mean, we're both smart people.....we know that we need to hold that idea that there was absolutely nothing we could have done....but I just don't think my heart Knows yet.

My heart is really, really stubborn. What do I do next to convince it? I haven't been able to figure out what I'm missing that keeps these two so disconnected...

i had this guilt i was holding on to for awhile about something else. my therapist said i was

I have wondered if it is all around what you just said...."can't let go"..... kind of like the feeling that if I let go, I will lose part of her again. The purpose being that I need every connection I can grasp, even if it is not logical....it's still one of many connections. But as I write this, I'm thinking..... if I let go of some of the negative attachments.....maybe that would free up more energy to put into the joyous ties....I don't know, but I'm gonna think about that some more. Because the happy rememberings, the ones that just make me smile and sigh big.....there's lots and lots of those... and they could be occupying my memory treasures, rather than the memories and feelings that don't really benefit anyone.

 

mmmm....i'm gonna think about that one too, girl. i really am.

You know what.... I think that part of this is feeling a responsibility to carry almost a revenge attitude for Shelly because she's not here to do it for herself..... she was young and naive and carried a very heavy load of anger herself for a good friend, their same age who had been killed by her mentally ill brother. That was a big part of Shelly.....feeling responsible to carry anger for her friend.... and I use to tell Shelly everyday that she needed to let go of that anger because Angela would not want to see her feeling that way on her behalf and that I was certain that Angela had forgiven her brother, given the circumstances. Of course Shelly would tell me "forgiving won't bring her back"......."I just can never forgive him"...... "Angela's not here to have a voice, so I'll be her voice"......all the things that I now tell my own self, all of the things that I had tried hard to convince Shelly not to do, because it was presumptive and not genuinely honoring her friend's memory.... Wow, all of these conversations are coming back as I write this.....Deja vu.....except I'm the one not heeding my own advice. This should be no different for me now than I expected it to be for Shelly back then........................

At some point I have to start letting go of the grief and the anger and not feel like I'm being disrespectful towards Shelly or my memories of her. By letting go of anger and resentment, I really don't see how I would be  betraying the love that we shared. And then I find myself thinking that if I can't have Shelly and the other people I've lost back, at least I can hang on to the pain.....but pain is not healthy, positive or honoring their memories.  

Another piece for me, I think, is the notion that grief is the Known and we clock ourselves on Known. Unknown is scary and risky and it takes a willingness to let go and a willingness to sit with the vulnerability and rawness of whatever might be left after we let go... It's kind of like grief can become the comfortable status quo and getting beyond that.....stepping out of comfort into unknown territory means lots of hard work and......ooohh....seems like there are too many other unknowns right now. I guess I can find all kinds of  shallow reasons to not do this or I can choose all of the really good reasons that I should do it and decide to make it happen. Wanna try doing this together Ter?

 

wow. good good stuff, sus. yeah. yeah. i'm in.  :)

Saw a post on FB today about forgiveness....seems like things like this find their way to you, when you don't really even realize you're looking. But it seems like it's a key that fits my door right now.... And the more I ponder it, the more I think that this holding on that I've been doing really is selfish. I have totally been doing it for me...... not really for Shelly or anyone else.....just me. So I don't like the sound of the word selfish at all. I really dislike.... but that's exactly how I have been handling Shelly's death....selfishly.

And then there's another thing that I'm having a hard time walking through right now and it is going to hit me smack in the face tomorrow morning when I do my therapy..... I have got to release this anger before I can forgive and when I tell my therapist, Judy, what I have come to realize... she's gonna make me get it out....She wanted me to do it last time and I couldn't. Here's what I'm afraid of.... I've let little pieces of it out here and there, but I need to let go of all of it. Once and for all....every bit of it and that's what she is going to have me do. And when it comes...... it is not going to be good!! I am really afraid that I am going to explode and I really don't want to do that.... It's not my nature and it is scary. I think I better see if she wants to meet me outdoors somewhere.... I've tried to do this on my own before a few times and I start putting it out there, I go to my mountain where I can't scare anyone  and I scream and hit things with branches and throw rocks in the pond and then I freak out; I scare myself and then I pull back out of it. It's like I know my edge here and that's as far as I go. This isn't gonna be good, is it?

So here's what was on FB....

“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hate. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.”

William Arthur Ward    

"And it's the pin that holds the blast within the confines of the grenade that is buried in my heart."

Susie Keeth

And another one pops in.....

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese *

Maybe it's forgiveness day on FB? I dunno, but you know how once you start thinking really heavy on something....you put your energy right out in front of you towards finding some sort of resolution on that thought? It seems like that energy is like a magnet to all of the thoughts that either support the kind of resolution you are hoping for or planning for.....or it draws together all of the thoughts in the Universe that show you clearly that your resolution just doesn't fit into the bigger picture. Whatever it is....whatever you're wondering about so intensely....whatever is the big question that you are seeking answers to.....it seems like when you put it out there.....you don't have to look for answers, you just have to be open to receiving them.... and then there they are....whispering in your ear, tapping you on the shoulder, grabbing you by the hand from this direction or that....and if you're paying attention....the Universe puts the answers right there for you to reach out to...

So, I've heard the whispers today and I've felt the tugging and I know the only thing holding me back from unconditional forgiveness is letting go of the anger and grief. And I know that I will face that in the morning and I'm gonna be pushed past my edge....but, somehow, I feel ready for it...somehow I feel some relief in just the notion of letting go. So, I'm thinking that I can do this tomorrow and I am going to feel like a new person by noon tomorrow. I'm almost excited about getting it done....not quite, but almost.

 

 

susie...i'm just not ever sittin' still long enough to really answer these.....but i wanted to tell you that you've got me thinking. i have a lotta work left to do - well, all over the place really.....but i'm thinking of something in particular. and your thoughts prod me to do so.......thanks so much for that! :)

So this has been amazing and it's taken me a few days to process it all and have it really sink in that I did it..... but I did (we did); in a really big way and it feels great. All of it is still working it's way through me and making more and more sense. But the best piece that's come out of it is the realization that by forgiving someone.... by the very nature of doing that..... you have to forgive yourself as well.  I was starting to beat myself up pretty good just for the fact that I had held on to this anger and resentment for almost 14 years and that I had done so selfishly under the guise of doing it on behalf of someone else..... like if I was holding this because it was my duty to do so; I didn't have to take any personal responsibility for being so selfishly ignorant about it all. At the point that I figured that out..... then I turned on myself and felt like a selfish liar and a hypocrite. Then it became even more important to get the work going.

So through this process I have learned a ton. I have learned that:

To forgive another person does not mean you will forget what happened or that the person is not responsible for what he did or that you need to bring him back into your life in any way. In fact, by forgiving that person, you are actually releasing them from your life. To forgive another doesn't even need to mean the other person knows you've forgiven him. To forgive another simply means you no longer allow that person's actions or words to cause you resentment, anger and pain. I think that to forgive means you acknowledge that while you would have preferred the other person act differently so that the event would never have happened....... you accept that it did and you accept the person just as he is, imperfectly human.... just like yourself..

To not forgive another means you continue to hold onto your resentment, anger and pain over another's actions by essentially demanding the other person be someone other than who that person knew (or knows) how to be. It means that you allow that person to continue to control your existence in the Universe, because if you are holding so much anger, pain and resentment, you are not as complete as the person you should be.......you're not fulfilled; you're not inviting or allowing the goodness of life to be reflected in who you are. And, I believe, by holding all of the negativity that becomes part of your identity, you are allowing it to gradually consume and take away your health, both physically and emotionally.

To forgive yourself does not mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have caused hurt in another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. To forgive yourself simply means that you realize that you would have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means that you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently and realize you have learned from your mistake. As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. To forgive yourself means you are finally willing to accept yourself just as you were at the time or for all of the years that you made the mistake you've been holding over your own head.

To not forgive yourself means you continue to hold onto guilt and pain and demand the impossible — that you be someone other than yourself, other than who you were when you hadn't yet learned the lesson you gained from your mistake.

:-bd

And so, I am now able to see that this was all a very unfortunate accident that happened and that there is no one person to carry all of the responsibilty for it. I see that I have no idea how this has effected this man's life.... how he has dealt for the past 14 years with the Knowing that his actions contributed largely to the death of a 16 year old girl who had her whole life ahead of her. I don't know if he has been able to or if he has even considered forgiving himself, but that doesn't really matter because I have no control over that and I can't let it jeapordize my own forgiving. And, I can't assume that he has gone about his life carrying no remorse or guilt either.... that had been very presumptive on my part, but that's what I had done.

I have chosen instead to see this man as a human being and presume, instead, that as a human being,  he does have feelings and he has made efforts to put this all right in his own way. For all I know, maybe this poor man has been tortured with memories and pictures in his mind of three beautiful kids laying strewn about the road and ditches and two more pinned inside of a twisted, mangled car. When you open yourself up to looking at it all objectively..... stepping back and trying to see it from an outsider's perspective, I can't imagine that those pictures haven't haunted him. So, that was very narrow minded of me for choosing to believe all of these years that he was fine and content with his history in this.

I didn't realize it right at the moment when I was forgiving him and lighting a candle in his honor, but I have since realized that, in doing that.... I was forgiving myself also for holding negativity and unfounded beliefs. I was forgiving myself for lots of stuff.  And I see now that you can't really forgive another without also forgiving your own shortcomings. They fit hand in hand perfectly and can not be done authentically if one is without the other..

The one thing that I haven't quite put right in my head yet, though, is why I had to kill him before I could forgive him...... why I had to burn him up in his own house. I think that symbolically, I wasn't killing him..... I was killing the person that I had believed he was, so that a different person, a more authentic view of  this person could be brought to life. Yeah.... that's what it is. I had to put the monster down before I could see the human. So that's what I did.... and I have not felt such a weight leave my chest since the tragedy happened 14 years ago. It is amazing..... and I suppose that you grow use to it after a while..... but it is amazing just how heavy the burden becomes when it is full of darkness and negativity. You carry that with you and it becomes part of you in time.... I think that we don't recognize the tremendous weight it becomes until that weight is lifted. And then, you feel the release and the lightness and you feel the opening and unfolding that will beckon the joy and beauty of life.yeah.... that's when you get that little scent of God and step into magic. I will fill myself with that. And I will continue to learn lessons that will help me with all of the other forgiving that I need to do. And I will fill my days with mistakes and forgiveness over and over again, because that's really what this life in this moment is all about. Lessons and growth, amends and amendments, mistakes and forgiveness and the end of suffering. And it really is all Magic.... pure and simple Magic.....

this is incredible.

Thank you so much for encouraging me to share all of this. Just the process of putting the words outside of my head, in itself has been healing in so many ways. And having you to bounce stuff off of and give me some direction on days when I feel lost..... that's what is Scared. Thanks Ter.

Susie~

you have woven of beautiful tapestry of love with your words.

I was misty eyed reading this. Thank you for your voice, and for the heart behind them..

You are so beautiful!

May May~

Like I've said.... I couldn't have done it without you and Ter there holding me up, nudging me forward, keeping my candle lit so I could see through the darkness of it all. In a way May May and Ter, your voices are a part of my voice and your hearts...... they're always there with me.....they Are a big part of my healing journey and they will continue to be as I walked through more. When I carry you with me....whether it's in my back pocket, on my sleeve or just in my head and heart.... you are part of me and that makes me pretty darn smart, strong and courageous. Thank you both for that.

So, I can forgive my self and mr. Wenzler .... I can see us both from a much more compassionate perspective.......and that's a very good feeling. But I'm still having a tough time letting go. I'm thinking that will be the next big direction to go. I've got to open that pocket myself and let them all fly away...... and be able to smile and wave good bye, knowing that we'll always be in each other's hearts and spirits and that's got to be the best place to be. You can't ever lose that..... you don't ever have to let go of that and dream that it will ever change. 

Nobody said it would be easy..... but nobody said it would be so hard.