again, terri, i'm so impressed and grateful that you are interested in this topic...your friend is very lucky to have you in her life...how beautiful if we could all simply be interested in learning about our differences...i am going to take a deep breath and think about how i want to start sharing on this topic...

lol! i love weird DID humor!

Thank you again for the response...and I think you have a wonderful grasp of DID...believe it or not, this is relatively new to me as a label (last 8 yrs or so and I'm 54!) , just how I've always been and am now understanding that others don't sense and feel like I do... [-O< [-O< [-O<

Laurel,

I just read your essay...your first Blog entry. It is stunning. More than that, I think this is the closest to my story that I have ever heard. The thing is, as I told you, I left home at 18 and blanked everything out. I simply do not remember what, if anything, happened to me. But I have many of the symptoms you describe, probably to a lesser degree. Over the years, I've had conversations with family, neighbors that have helped me  piece together snippets so that I can give an overview of my backgrund...but I don't remember the things happening.

I'm not in a place (literally, I'm at work) that I can process and share right now.  I'll get back to this. I'm having one of those head-ringing-realizations.

This is me going OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG

So here ismy secret. I don’t remember. A few years ago, I returned to my home town and ended up in a rather small, but public, service club meeting with my father. All the very old gentlemen remembered me. And the one guy, who used to be the high school gym teacher, started talking about how I had been on the tennis team. I told him he must have me confused with my sister. No, he assured me, he remembered. It was definitely me. I went one more round with him and then gave up, chalking it up to his senility. People were quiet and didn’t know what to do or say. I was irritated. I didn’t pick up on the signs…it was me that was out of my head…not them. Sure, there was a picture of my ninth grade graduation with a tennis racket…and I guess I do remember that. But the tennis team?

During that same trip I met the new neighbors on the other side of the fence. The woman was just a sweetheart, new to the town. I liked her. I trusted her. I told her enough to let her know that I was interested in remembering a few things. I needed to know if I had ever done anything…embarrassing. You know, acting out, sleeping around, that kind of thing. A few weeks after I had returned to my home, she called and said she had been mentioning her move to the neighborhood and would casually drop my name. Apparently I was well-liked, well-behaved, quiet, loving, happy to anyone who met me. Whew!

I have been able to piece together some of the family secrets through snippets of conversations, nonchalant questions. Incest, Alocohol, Violence. They were all there in that little town in various parts of my extended family. But no one’s talking. Not really.

I don’t remember what happened, where it happened, if it happened. I just know that to this day I feel the effect of trauma. I call my work with my therapist “as-if” therapy. We have agreed that the work we do will be as if I were sexually traumatized. I have been doing it for years, and can feel the core of me solid, healed. And I have to believe that those memories will come, if they are there to be had, when I’m ready. That’s all I’ve got.

So when Laurel talks about how hard it is to explain a behavior when you are triggered. I get that. I so totally get that. It feels so good to put this out here in this community. The fact that I don’t remember.  So how do I know “it” wasn’t my fault? How do I know I wasn’t just over-emotional, a goody-two-shoes, and then a…slut? Those labels ring a bell, so I’m assuming they were mine at some point.This, right here, is what makes me feel different, inferior, and not enough. That solid core of mine is smiling...was wondering when we were going to get to this.

I am so grateful, Laurel that you shared your experience. You helped me put some of my pieces together.

okay. i've got goose bumps.

Geez are you guys amazing...I can't check in often enough to keep up with these postings.  I am amazed with you -  Laurel & Sheri and your bravery and willingness to be vulnerable.  That is pure strength.  I am amazed by Terri and her "amazing grace".  God Bless you both for those times when you protected your souls.  You have survived and "the forgotten history" protected the most valuable part of yourselves.  My sister told me of an event where I was totally broken down.  I literally can not remember it - such a huge thing and it is totally erased from my memory.  Well sometimes we need to forget because our souls need us to remember the truth of who we are. Beautiful bright lights...deep within -Wise, wise, women....you have been found (at least by me).

i love that line, kristen....sometimes we need to forget because our souls need us to remember

I woke up this morning feeling even...wholer. Thank you everybody.

i thanked zakk with tears in my eyes last nite for this place......

I'm peeking out from the panic to say hello and thank you and I love all of you and wow and how freakin lucky am I?

Laurel,

It helps to know you and others have the repressed memory experience. I have had those conversations, as well, with my therapists. At first you can't believe they would even ask, right?

And look how determined you have been in reaching for the healing. Has it been like one small success at a time? Big leaps and then downtime? My process is very internal, and by the time I can articulate an understanding, the healing is right there. The wonderful woman I work with now gets that and trusts when I say I've got it, that I'm not just trying to gloss over something...I've been gnawing on the bone in private and have truly "got it."

One thing I would like to put out there is the experience of being the family "black sheep." If I didn't know better, I would say I was the only one of the four siblings (I'm the eldest) who was impacted by the home environment. When I married right after college, I literally never went back for maybe ten years. I missed weddings, funerals. I wouldn't call home for months. I just could not bring myself to face "it". A cousin once filled me in on how I was viewed (weak, emotional, selfish, nuts) and asked me point blank why I never visited my mother. Once when I did go back for my grandmother's funeral, the pastor cornered me with the same question. It seems my mother had been busy rallying the forces. Over the next many years I never knew what new gossip was making the rounds about me. I heard, once, that we kicked my mother and father out of our house (my father left angry because I would not sign a document that I disagreed with.) For this reason, I don't go to my siblings for information...although as I think about it, hearing "oh, yeah, you were a nut job" in response to a question about the past really doesn't bother me...it would probably be worth getting the treatment in exchange for data.  I dunno.

The last issue is being in a situation where your mother facilitates the abuse...I'm remembering unbearable verbal abuse by my father and my mother's heavy-handed insistence that I not "talk back." I remember "making a scene." at a family function...don't remember what precipitated that, but do remember the outrage and feeling of being violated...and her hauling me into my room and dressing me down for embarrassing her. How many years I felt as if I were a muzzled animal.

So...this was one of the harder posts. I am discovering some good, healthy anger here, where there used to be only fears and tears. 

 

Terri, Laurel, Kristen...thank you for being out there. This is a haven.

I'm with you on the anger, I feel yours and mine at the same time...abuse and disrespect make my blood boil, probably why i'm such a nut about animal welfare too...

the anger makes sense. and i think it's gotta be part of the process.

So Terri!  Are your quotes of the day on autopilot, or did you post these just for me yesterday and today:

"she fell from their graces into her truth."

"she wasn't them. she couldn't be. was she going to claim herself as herself or forever be half way between worlds?

OMG...these are so awesome. They give me courage. Big, bad courage. Thank you from every bone sigh in my body...

Sher

 

grinnin'.....wish i could say i aimed them.....nope. they 'just happen.'

Hi Laurel, Kristen

It's been a couple days since we put our stuff out there...just checkin' in. Everybody Ok? Just re-read everybody's posts on this thread. To me, this feels like releasing the burden but with a transcript. I came back today and, yup, there it is. I didn't make it up...I really did tell. These beautiful friends, they really did hear it and support it, and they really did have similar stories. Yup. I told and lived to see another day. 

I'm still here Sheri - of course !!  With you all...sending you a big, cosmic, wonderful hug...do you feel it?

Hi Kristen...yes I do! Hugs back.

Hi Sheri,

OMG OMG OMG! You guys! The repressed memories and not being able to remember parts of my life. I am weak in the knees and humbled after reading this thread. Do you know for years I buried so much. Stuffed it so deep. I was afraid that what happened might be a lie. That it might never have happened and it was all in my head. But deep down inside me I knew the truth. It was real. This really happened! To me! It wasn't a lie. I put off calling him. Confronting him. For so long. Then when we spoke and he apologized. I don't know, it's hard to describe how that felt...

Ok, I have to put this down for a while now. Can't tell you how good it feels to be in a place where there are no secrets. Don't have to live in silence anymore. And Furthermore, I WILL NOT be silenced anymore for I am worthy of healing... and love...we all are...

> I WILL NOT be silenced anymore for I am worthy of healing... >>>>

I don't know if I have DID, but I also haven't been well informed about it either. I just know that I split, and like you said, we have many parts. I know that I have segments of my life I have no recollection of.  And as I read what's being shared here, I have to wonder if I have it. Just getting to lay all this down and have everyone share the load.  Geeeze...just that right there...you get so so tired of carrying it around and trying to find a place to put it. There's so much recognition here and huuuuuge validation!!  Knowing we're being heard...

oh that is so darn cool. good. glad it feels good.

when i hear one person say they benefit from this discussion i'm so very, very grateful...it is so debilitating to be abused then silenced...in those darkest times when you wonder seriously if your life has any meaning whatsoever, i find comfort in knowing that i can put this experience to use and find out about it, name it and talk about it...that has been done for me and i really want to continue that forward... :X

i think that if we can do something positive with our hurt, that's where the healing really can come in.....i see it all the time, and i really believe there's huge power in it.

"you get so so tired of carrying it around and trying to find a place to put it." That right there...that's so how I feel all the time, Lissy. Just tired.

I think you have it right, Ter. If Laurel hadn't had the courage to share about DID, I certainly never would have known what might have been going on with me.

 I had a moment in my 30's. Had started therapy. Kind of 'therapy light.' I was with my husband telling him just a few things to check his reaction. And it hit. I went catatonic. That's the only way I can describe it. For a couple of hours (he's good in a crisis, apparently) I was in this other place. And I was deciding...literally debating with myself if I would come back as myself or if I would walk through the door that was there. It was so peaceful there in limbo...dark and peaceful. In the end, I decided to come back and to work for my mental health.

I have to say that I have used this trick of going somewhere else many times.  Now I don't think I can get there anymore. It's kind of funny...it feels like a loss of sorts...being stuck in reality.

I never would have processed this or spoken except for you, Laurel. that is pretty darn awesome!

okay, okay, i will take part of the credit here but not all...terri is the brave soul who because of her friend recognized the word "splitting" and had the courage to ask and gave us the forum to speak in the first place....but i will accept my part in this beautiful synchronicity dance we are all doing here...thank you and nighty night! I-)

okay. EVERYONE takes a bow! lol!

Thank you Terri, for pointing me in this direction. Thank you courageous women.

ah! glad we've got another person showin' up with the DID conversation! mytruth, feel free to post anything you like.....sometimes just reading is a help. and that's fine. just know you're welcome here and you're free to write what feels right. i keep reminding people tho, this is a public forum so anyone can get on here and read......i keep throwin' that out here so everyone remembers!  :)

Mytruth.... Welcome to the most awesome spot in the Universe to get some light and support as you walk your paths. There are some amazing women here (and Dan sometimes) who offer wisdom, compassion, understanding and a sense of belonging..... that can warm your heart and soul in ways you never imagined.       I don't know your story, but I do Know that sometimes you have to have a certain trust to share it and sometimes it's real important that people kind of have to earn the right to hear our stories.... so, I just want you to know that if/when you ever want to talk, I'm usually around. I'm a pretty good listener and sometimes I even have a little bit of experience(okay, sometimes a bunch) that helps me to relate. I don't have DID, but I know several people who do. What I do Know is that sometimes we all just need a place to be able to put our "stuff", to get it out of our heads and placed where we can sit with it, walk with it, watch it heal, or just feel it..... and have compassionate others who can sit with you and provide an ear and some support.....and this place that Terri has given for us to do that.....it is the best!!    If you read any other parts of the forums, you'll see that I'm a forum hog..... You can help me out a bit by coming around and writing some too. See....that way I don't look like I'm taking up so much room here..... Just kidding, but I am serious......if you ever want to talk...I'll be around.  Welcome to this little corner of Peace. Love and Acceptance.

thanks susie, for being so darn lovely!  :)

Thank you, Susie, for your kindness, love and acceptance. I am wiggling my toes, stretching ever so slightly, testing how safe this feels, trying to find if I can do this. I have searched for a community where i can be, I can explore my story, where my path, my explorations may help someone else, where i can be in pain and I can be playful. This space has a wonderful, healing, and magical feel.

A gift: http://db.tt/9VNfZWlZ. (let's see if I did that right!)

Wow!! Thank you for the beautiful flowers. Are they lilies? They are very pretty. Are they flowers that you grew?

All those things that you mentioned above.....that you are looking for in a community....they are all here. This spot is very Sacred and that fact will become evident quickly should you choose to be a part of it. You can be here and explore and relate, be yourself.....whether that means being in pain, sitting quietly and listening or offering your own wisdom and experiences. You will find support and compassion.... you may choose to give support and compassion. You will find folks whose stories may or may not hold some resonance for you, but they are all stories of real lives, they are all precious and valuable and they are all treated with acceptance and respect. There is so much that you can get from the people here and so much you can get from yourself..... just by being here and processing your journey. It's all so amazing really, but the most amazing thing that I've found here..... in these forums.... is healing...... and I've been doing a ton of that.

Right now it's a pretty small community.... I don't know if I scared everybody away or if their lives just got busy (that's what Terri says happened)..... but right now..... it's mostly Terri, myself, sometimes May May and sometimes Laurel and Jymi and Akasa and Sunflower Woman.... sometimes Stitched.... once in a while Derm peeks in.... but right now, it's pretty small.  All of our stories are a little bit different, but so similar in so many ways. In a way, we are where you are, we've been where you've been and we honor your trust and your courage.

You might have noticed that we get pretty goofy at times too. We appreciate the gifts of play and adventurous fun and, for me..... visualizations and a big imagination have helped a lot when you need a little break from the struggles of daily life and rough spots. So welcome.... stick around and process and play and heal.

Welcome mytruth.  Another nice thing is that people can connect and then continue conversations either here or in other ways (phone, email, etc). :)

Sorry Dan..... I hadn't noticed your name change I guess!! I like Dan better than Derm, so that's cool.....   And all this time I never knew I could call you all!

I have spent the last year building resources, recovering pieces of me I abandoned along the way so that I may survive. I thought I knew my story/stories and now was the time for me to accept and honor, to let go of the beliefs I built around my abuses and trauma and strengthen my core.

Now I find emergences of feelings, images, small, but powerful glimpses of a time I don't know, a child I don't know, so young. How can I trust them? I remember nothing of my childhood but what i have pieced together from photos, stories, flashbacks and emdr processing. I thought what I knew was enough, I know it is enough. I have dropped everything this year so that I may heal. I am realizing the journey is longer than I ever anticipated. And that I can't go back and be who I was. My partner and son are waiting for me to be me again....

And now I find more coming to the surface....

When I first started writing here, I hadn't shared my stories with hardly anyone..... some of them I hadn't shared with anyone, although my family and very close friends knew because they were there as I was growing up. I had always written in journals and that's where my "stuff" got processed.... kind of. I wrote a lot, but I was the only one giving myself any feedback and ideas on which direction to go with my journeying to wholeness. Then last September I got sick and felt an urgency to get the healing going faster. I didn't want to leave this life with so many unwoven edges.... so many things left undone and unhealthy. To make a long story short.... what I have come to realize through all of this is that all of the traumas can not really be mended until we're ready to do some forgiving, of others and ourselves. All these years I had been trying different ways of working through my traumas so that I could move forward with my life and I think there were many things along the way that have helped me to heal..... but at the core of all of the anger and resentment that I just couldn't let go of, I discovered an absolute need to forgive and I have all kinds of posts on that processing over on Entering the Shadow. The notion of that seemed ridiculous and impossible at first and the process was way different than I ever imagined it to be. It is absolutely necessary and it is hard in so many ways, but it has been the most releasing, the most freeing and awakening thing that I have ever done for my self.

Not knowing where you're at with your EMDR and your processing of your traumas and the memories (or lack of), you may not be ready to even consider that.... but if you have gone back there with EMDR..... if you've processed what you do remember, and I'll bet the EMDR has resulted in more memories surfacing, then you might want to ask your therapist about doing some forgivness work. Maybe you could just start with forgiving yourself for any of the pieces of your history that you have a hard time sitting with. I feel very strongly that if you can even start doing that with baby steps and you start tto recognize all of the strengths and beauty that you hold..... it becomes easier to take it a step farther and it all just grows and grows. All of the imperfections, the little quirks, the amazing spirit inside each of us, the gifts of ourselves, the gifts of the Universe....... they all start to come together like pieces of a puzzle, and I think that when those pieces start resembling the person we know ourselves to be and we are able to embrace that and Love that..... it is the most amazingly wonderful thing. It' really helps to keep me moving forward in my healing and it makes each step on my paths a little easier to walk. It's still hard and I still have tons of work to do, but I am becoming and I am surviving.

I ramble mytruth..... I do that. But I want you to know that I listen as well as I ramble. I can't do the actual EMDR because I can't move my eyes like that without getting dizzy, but I do tapping, which is really the exact same concept in reality. It has been a life saver for me. Do you have a team of supporters that help you with this work? Are you still doing EMDR? I hope so if you're having new breakthrough memories and feelings and all. It's not really good to walk that path by yourself, but I'm sure you know that. So, if there is anything I can do to be of support, to walk beside you, to vent to, whatever it might be.....just ask. We can light candles, we can say prayers, we can carry you, hold you, breathe with you.....there's lots we can do for each other.

i so love to see this kinda thing. mytruth, susie's been thru a lot, processed a ton, and shares it so willingly and beautifully. susie i'm so glad you're here. it's so cool to watch people connect.

I <3 you guys...... :X

I must admit that I laughed a little at Terri calling me outgoing.  Yeah, I have been a bit with you ladies through facebook and emails and whatnot.  But if we were all together, sitting around a fire, chances are I would be the quietest person there.  Just sitting back and soaking up all the conversations and what not.  Making the occasional sarcastic comment or poking fun at someone every now and then.

it is always so interesting to see who we are in different spaces.  here, dan, you have the opportunity to be outgoing - a gift! 

Susie, you asked about where I am with EMDR.  I had a rather bad reaction to it at first, and we have tried many different approaches.  We haven't done an EMDR session in awhile, but I requested we revisit it on my next appointment.  When doing intensive work, I had both the hand pulsars and auditory stimuli and a still point to help me work through my traumas... 

forgiveness. it is so hard to understand, still.  i thought i knew what it meant to forgive, but it is so different , the kind of forgiving that is needed for healing, than the definition of what it means to forgive that i was taught....  And anger, i fear anger, i don't have that anger that those around me express on my behalf, or rather, i can't find it in me.  it has been suggested that my chronic pain (i was diagnosed with RA @ 15) is my anger turned inward.  tears, screams; nothing.  the tears, have been there, begging to release, but i can't seem to figure out how to let them go.

and so dan, for now, if you don't mind making some room, i'll sit with you by the fire in this good company and soak in some conversation...

mytruth....... I like to place the pulsars under my thighs so that my hands are free.....usually to wipe away tears, but also because I found myself gripping them too hard and was afraid I might crush them at times.  So, I use those and I close my eyes..... and away I go.... a couple of deep cleansing breaths, a whole lot of focus and intention....I call in my team of supporters, and get down to business. Sometimes in a round about, tentative manner.... but (so far) always ending up right where the Universe and I need me to be. I couldn't do any of it by myself, so I am very grateful to my Nurturer, my Wise Being, my Courageous One and my Source of All..... they walk with me, they hold my hand and they gently push me when I need it. We have done some amazing things as a group..... things that couldn't be done alone. And that has led to my being able to forgive.

If you ever need someone to talk to about RA, I'm your gal..... I've had it for almost 30 years and I have been very fortunate as I usually have it well controlled. I think that a big part of it is all the negativity we tend to store in our cells. Humira has been wonderful. And staying very physically active and keeping a good attitude goes a long ways too.

Forgiveness..... it is way different than I had always thought it would be. It isn't something that I do really for anyone but me and it doesn't involve letting anybody off the hook so much as it allows me to take back the power and control of my thoughts and feelings and letting go of the crap makes more room for Wonder and Peace..... and you can never have too much of that.

 

ah....and the anger......i'm not real comfortable with anger either, mytruth. altho, i think i've made some real progress there. but i can totally get what you're saying. and i think that anger turned inward stuff is really important to look at. 

Uhhh...... did anybody bring chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows? Ter, did you learn any songs to play on your guitar? There's nothing like smores and guitars when you're sitting around a fire with friends..... mytruth? do you play any instruments? could you sing some goofy songs with us when we get done visiting? There might be a little bit of Triple Fudge cake that Akasa made for the oarty..... unless Dan has been over there eating it! I swear.... that guy's got two hollow legs..... have you seen him put away goodies? OMG.... he's an eating machine! And I'm with you Ter..... I just bet that Dan is more outgoing than all of us put together. And yeah.... mytruth, you are so right about how different we can be here, as compared to how we might be without the miles of air between us. I can chat it up pretty good here..... but I am really kind of shy and reserved.  Okay.....I use to be.....maybe a long time ago.:P

So...... wanna talk about work stuff or should we just get to know each other for a few? You know me.... I'm always here..... for whatever you wanna talk about. Or we can just sit and listen to the crickets and Ter playing some acoustic. Dan? You sing, play, both?

 

Much better over here. Songs, yes, I've been collecting some wonderful healing songs lately. I've been playing with singing, my voice is getting stronger.

Talk about work stuff..... how?

Sorry.... when I say work stuff, I mean hard stuff......like not feeling worthy, like feeling like we're not good enough to treat ourselves like the Goddesses that we really are.....like we're different and don't belong here or there.....that kinda stuff.... that we're all working on... the stuff that we learn how to overcome from sitting and talking and sharing.

the hard stuff.  yes. 
 
 i think, my work in this moment  is tied to this child i am afraid to look for... afraid to look in the eye.  i have drawn her face, and erased it.  i can not stand to see her, can not allow her to be seen.  isn't it enough, what i do know, remember?  isn't it enough, the pieces of me that i have brought home into my heart.  i am so tired.

mytruth..... if I get too pushy or nosey, you just let me know, ok? But here's what I'm wondering.... what are you afraid that you will find in this child? Have you drawn your pictures of her based on the ugliness that you've talked about before? Are you thinking that this little girl looks like the wreckage that she feels? And here's what I think about children..... every single child. They are supreme innocence, they are simple minded, yet so much wiser than us in many ways, they are forgiving in an authentic way that we tend to lose as adults, and they will give you their most favorite and treasured toy, if you will just accept them and let them know that they are worthy of belonging and that they are loved deeply for no reason other than their being.

I wonder if sometimes we don't really see them for who they really are? I wonder if sometimes we maybe don't feel deserving of their love and innocent acceptance, so we distance ourselves from them, we recall pictures of them that we have distorted because sometimes it's easier if we can just not love somebody.....because then we don't have to worry about that love not be reciprocated or being dismissed. I wonder if we could really see ourselves through the eyes of our inner child, if we would see ourselves with the same nonjudgmental acceptance, the same beauty and worthiness that they do. These are just some things that I wonder about.